Wednesday, December 30, 2015

New Years' Resolutions: NHL Edition

Ah, New Years'. It's a time of change, champagne, and resolutions. Though, in most cases, New Years' resolutions don't last very long, they're still nice to think about, and then forget about three weeks later.

Nonetheless, New Years' resolutions are made by everyone, including some of the NHL's most prolific faces. Here are some New Years' resolutions from inside the NHL.

Philadelphia Flyers: Hire a proofreader for contracts - signed the wrong Manning.

Ryan Getzlaf: While it's nice to see players get invested in charity ventures, maybe, for now, Getzlaf should avoid giving pucks to the other teams' players.

Tyler Toffoli:  Probably should ask why all these reporters are asking him about Cy Young.

Pittsburgh Penguins: Should maybe fix the typo on Mike Sullivan's roster sheet that lists #87 as 'Tanner Glass'.

Jarome Iginla: Should probably look into scoring more, as it seems that his career goal total reflects the winning percentage of the team that he plays for.

Calgary Flames: Buy a trophy to give to Jonas Hiller for winning the Flames' monthly "highest point total award", although, come to think of it, points in the 'GAA' column probably don't mean 'goals'.

Ryan Kesler: Could take up a new hobby, maybe by joining a divers' club at the local pool.

Brian Burke: Allow spending to be done more freely, and hire a clothing stylist. Preferably with experience in dressing necks.

Braden Holtby: It's not nice to keep stealing all these scoring chances from opposing players, should maybe stop doing that.

Erik Karlsson: It might be nice to donate some of his luscious locks to the Jaromir Jagr Mullet Fund.

Dave Tippett: Could maybe give the All-Stars on his roster a bit more playing time.

Jaromir Jagr: Should share his secret anti-aging formula with the rest of the league, hopefully without making them have to get it by playing three years in the KHL.

Anaheim Ducks: Maybe should think to flip the calendar in the dressing room from 'September' to 'December'.

Sidney Crosby: Maybe should think to flip the calendar... oh, wait.

Happy New Year, everyone!

All of the jokes made in this post are made purely with humourous intent, and do not reflect any feelings felt towards any of the individuals or organisations listed above. 

No comments:

Post a Comment